Being Open, Not Selfish: My Pet Peeves About Non-Monogamy

I’ve been in an open relationship for a while now, and during that time, I’ve been on the receiving end of some truly baffling remarks, assumptions, and judgments. Despite how common open or polyamorous relationships are becoming, there remains plenty of misunderstanding—enough to fill an entire blog post (and then some). Whenever people find out that my partner and I are ethically non-monogamous, it’s like I’ve opened a door where some people feel entitled to weigh in on my private life. Over the years, I’ve developed a mental checklist of my biggest pet peeves—ideas or statements that I wish I could magically erase from popular opinion. While these annoyances can be frustrating, they also open the door for conversations about how consent, autonomy, and mutual respect can operate in non-monogamous relationships. So, here they are: my top pet peeves—and what I usually say in response.

1. “You’re so selfish. Isn’t one partner enough?”

By far, the most common accusation is that I’m “selfish” or “greedy,” as though my desire for multiple connections somehow means I’m gobbling up people like candy. For me, personally, having an open relationship is not about collecting an endless stream of sexual or emotional partners. It is about acknowledging that people have the capacity to form meaningful (or even just playful and fun) connections with more than one person simultaneously, without violating anyone’s trust. I’ve spent countless hours building a foundation of communication and honesty with my partner, establishing boundaries that feel comfortable for both of us. We openly share our feelings, check in about jealousy or insecurities, and consider each other’s needs every step of the way.

If anyone is feeling “selfish,” it’s typically the person assuming monogamy is the only correct way to be in a romantic relationship. The assumption that choosing anything outside the norm is automatically deviant or self-centered is, to me, far more self-righteous. An open relationship is about expanding love and connection, not hoarding it. It doesn’t take anything away from my primary partner; it adds to the overall sense of well-being each of us experiences in life.

What I say: “Our arrangement is grounded in mutual respect. We’re both free to explore connections, and neither of us feels shortchanged. If that’s selfish, then I guess we’re both guilty!”

2. “Aren’t you cheating on your partner?”

The second most common misconception is that I’m a cheater. Let me clarify: cheating implies deception, broken promises, and secrecy. In open or polyamorous relationships, the exact opposite is true. My partner and I make decisions together. We decide on boundaries—such as what types of relationships or encounters we’re comfortable with, how often we talk about them, or how we communicate with new partners. These guidelines are explicitly stated and continually revisited. If you ask me, that’s about the furthest thing from cheating you can get.

I used to get really upset when people insinuated I was being shady. Now, I see it as a chance to challenge a common misconception. Society has drilled into us that exclusivity equals love and that any step outside the boundary of monogamy is automatically betrayal. But ethical non-monogamy is a conscious effort to question that narrative. There’s no cloak-and-dagger subterfuge going on here—just a sincere, ongoing dialogue about how we want to shape our love lives.

What I say: “If there’s no lying, no secrets, and everyone’s on the same page, how is that cheating? We’re being transparent, which is kind of the opposite of cheating.”

3. “So you have to ask permission from your partner first?”

I cringe every time someone acts like I need to get a “hall pass” signed and notarized by my partner before I so much as flirt with someone else. The reality is more nuanced. Yes, my partner and I discuss boundaries—we might agree that certain emotional entanglements or certain sexual acts need more conversation before we jump in. That said, we’re both individual adults who don’t need “permission” in a paternalistic sense. We discuss everything because it’s respectful, not because one of us is the boss or gatekeeper of the relationship.

For instance, if I start seeing someone new, I’ll mention it to my partner because it can bring up feelings of jealousy or excitement or curiosity. It’s an ongoing conversation, not a single yes/no question. But at the end of the day, I do not exist as an extension of my partner. We each get to decide whom we connect with, as long as we maintain the agreements that keep our relationship healthy.

What I say: “I’m a whole person with my own desires and autonomy. My partner doesn’t own me, and I don’t own them. We agree on certain boundaries because we respect each other, not because one of us needs a permission slip.”

4. “Let me deal with my ‘primary partner’—just enjoy the ride.”

Sometimes, when I’m approached by someone who’s curious about dating me, they assume they have to navigate my partner’s feelings directly. They might say things like, “Well, do I need to talk to them? Should I ask their permission?” A variant of this is when new folks try to pit us against each other: “So… does your partner really approve of this?” or “Is your partner okay with me spending time with you this weekend?”

My usual response is a pointed smile and something along the lines of, “Let me handle my relationship dynamic. You and I can talk about what works for us.” I remind potential partners that my relationship structure is my responsibility, and it’s something I’ve built with my partner. Unless you explicitly want all three of us in the same dynamic, you can “just enjoy the ride.”

What I say: “I’m capable of negotiating my existing relationship. All you need to worry about is the connection you and I have. If or when it’s necessary, I’ll bring my partner into the loop.”

5. “You must have issues—why else would you want an open relationship?”

A close cousin to the “isn’t this just cheating?” crowd is the group that thinks my partner and I must be fundamentally broken. They see non-monogamy as a last-ditch effort to keep a failing relationship afloat. And sometimes, they even voice their pity, as though we’re in denial about the supposed cracks in our foundation. In truth, my partner and I are open because we have a strong relationship. We’ve chosen it because we share a belief that love, intimacy, and affection don’t have to be finite resources. Rather than a “fix” for something that’s wrong, open relationships can be a growth strategy for everything that’s already right—trust, communication, authenticity, sexual exploration.

What I say: “No, we’re not broken. In fact, it takes a lot of stability, honesty, and security to make openness work well. We have plenty of that, so we thrive.”

6. “Aren’t you just trying to ‘trade up’ or find someone ‘better’?”

This one stings because it implies I’m always on the hunt for a “better model,” as if people are interchangeable products. This viewpoint is rooted in the assumption that relationships are about competition. But that’s not how my heart operates. I’m not trying to replace my partner; I’m just acknowledging that different people fulfill different emotional, intellectual, or sexual needs in my life. My partner and I are each other’s “home base,” but we also believe that the world is wide, and each new person we meet offers a unique set of experiences and perspectives.

Monogamy doesn’t erase the fact that people can be tempted by someone new. It simply sets up boundaries around how that is handled. In an open relationship, we explore attractions more openly and ethically, rather than shaming or repressing them. There’s no concept of “better” here—just “different.” Every connection is unique and doesn’t automatically threaten the existing ones.

What I say: “I’m not swapping out an old phone for a new one. People aren’t products; I don’t see relationships as upgrades or downgrades—just different flavors that all add richness to my life.”

7. “What about jealousy?”

I’d be lying if I said jealousy never rears its head. Of course it does—we’re all human. However, jealousy isn’t exclusive to open relationships. Monogamous couples face it, too. What matters is how you respond. My partner and I talk about insecurities openly, address them with empathy, and take each other’s emotional well-being seriously. Sometimes it’s as simple as saying, “Hey, I’m feeling a bit jealous. Let’s talk about it,” and giving each other space to process. We remind each other of our commitment and love, but we also acknowledge that a twinge of envy is natural. It doesn’t have to dictate our actions.

It’s actually healthy to dissect jealousy and figure out what’s underneath it—maybe fear of abandonment, fear of not being good enough, or fear of being overshadowed. We find that understanding the root cause often dissolves much of the tension. We then adapt our arrangements if needed—maybe have more check-ins, more date nights with each other, or set aside special moments to reconnect.

What I say: “Jealousy happens. We handle it by communicating rather than letting it fester. No relationship is immune to it.”

8. “This can’t last long-term.”

When people tell me open relationships are a temporary phase before everything collapses, I often chuckle. No one can predict the future of any relationship—monogamous or otherwise. Relationships evolve, people grow, and sometimes they change the terms of their arrangement. Could it fall apart in five years? Sure, but so could a monogamous relationship. The fact is, some open and polyamorous relationships last for decades, some don’t. Some folks go in and out of more or less openness over time. There is no single blueprint.

What I say: “We’re happy now, and that’s what matters. Longevity depends on the effort, not the structure.”

Conclusion

Open relationships challenge the idea that there is only one valid way to love. Living in this space does come with its share of misconceptions. People assume I’m selfish, that I’m cheating, or that I must constantly ask “permission” from my partner like a child asking for a cookie. The truth is: an open relationship is rooted in trust, communication, agency, and mutual respect—qualities present in any healthy relationship, whether monogamous or not.

Whenever these pet peeves bubble up—usually in the form of offhand remarks or deeply held stereotypes—I try to take them as an opportunity to educate, clarify, and (when necessary) firmly set boundaries. Do I occasionally get tired of having the same conversation over and over again? Absolutely. But the goal is to see beyond these assumptions and focus on the meaningful connections I’m making. If that means batting away a few misguided questions about “cheating” or “selfishness,” so be it. After all, I’m too busy living my best, open-hearted life to get too hung up on the naysayers.

As I often tell anyone who’s curious: let me handle my relationship the way I know works best. You just enjoy the ride—or watch from the sidelines. Either way, I’m here, fully capable of making my own choices, trusting my partner’s autonomy, and forging the kind of connections that enrich us both. And that, to me, is anything but selfish.