Academia Against Humanity: A Game for the Truly Masochistic

Let’s be honest: academia can sometimes feel like a twisted version of Cards Against Humanity—where the goal isn’t necessarily to win but to survive. So, in the spirit of humor and intellectual masochism, here’s my take on the academic version of the game we all love to hate.

Ready? Shuffle your decks, because it’s about to get real.

1. Question Card:

“What’s the worst thing to happen to me at a conference?”
Answer Options:

• Presenting to a room of three people, two of whom are asleep.

• Realizing mid-presentation that the professor who inspired my research is in the audience and looks disappointed.

• Accidentally calling the keynote speaker by the wrong name.

• That moment when someone asks a question that has nothing to do with my project.

2. Question Card:

“What keeps me up at night?”
Answer Options:

• Revise and resubmit.

• The imposter syndrome whispering that I’m a fraud.

• That email I sent at 2 a.m. that I thought sounded professional.

• Reviewer 2.

3. Question Card:

“How do I explain to non-academic friends what I do for a living?”
Answer Options:

• “I write papers no one reads and give talks no one attends.”

• “It’s like teaching, but with more emails and less sleep.”

• “Imagine working on one project for five years and still not being sure if anyone cares.”

• “Have you seen The Office? It’s like that, but with more coffee and fewer pay raises.”

4. Question Card:

“What’s the worst email subject line to receive?”
Answer Options:

• “Follow-up on that thing you said you’d do six months ago.”

• “We regret to inform you…”

• “Revisions required—attached is the 15-page feedback document.”

5. Question Card:

“What’s the most unrealistic expectation in academia?”
Answer Options:

• Publishing three peer-reviewed papers in a semester.

• Staying on top of all the reading while also writing, teaching, and breathing.

• Reviewer 2 expecting me to cite every article written in the last 20 years on my topic.

6. Question Card:

“How do I handle Reviewer 2’s comments?”
Answer Options:

• Cry into my coffee and send sarcastic texts to my academic soulmate.

• Write an entire rebuttal letter that I’ll never send, but it makes me feel better.

• Change everything while screaming internally.

7. Question Card:

“What’s the key to surviving the tenure track?”
Answer Options:

• Saying “yes” to everything until your calendar is a horror show.

• Finding joy in the small victories, like finally getting through an entire lecture without tech problems.

• Relying heavily on caffeine and occasional existential crises.

• Developing a mantra that sounds like “tenure is worth it, tenure is worth it.”

Final Thoughts
The truth is, academia is full of moments that range from hilarious to soul-crushing (sometimes at the same time). Like in Cards Against Humanity, the best strategy is to lean into the absurdity, laugh at the ridiculous moments, and find your people—those who get it and will laugh along with you. Whether it’s Reviewer 2 or yet another email about committee work, remember: we’re all playing this twisted game together. And sometimes, just sometimes, we get to play a winning hand.